Advice for Men Dealing with an Unplanned Pregnancy
- „I am pregnant!“ These three little words not only turn her whole world upside down but his as well. But how should a guy respond when his girlfriend is pregnant?
- There are various possibilities for what this situation might look like: What if I don't want the baby? What if I want the baby, but she doesn't?
- This article spells out how men are affected when their partner is pregnant. We provide practical tips on tackling this.
Surprise Pregnancy: An Exceptional Situation for Both of You
An unintended pregnancy can trigger various thoughts and emotions in both parties involved. These can be negative, positive, or a combination of both. At the same time, the reactions and needs of guys and girls often differ.
Common Reactions in Men:
On the one hand, many guys may feel a sense of pride: "I'm going to be a dad..."
However, other concerns and emotions are also very often present:
- Apprehension about living up to the responsibility of becoming a dad.
- Concern about the effect this may have on one's life and perhaps also the relationship.
- Uncertainty in how far to be part of the decision on whether to keep the baby.
- Frustration about how it could have come to the pregnancy.
Many guys would like to escape this situation as quickly as possible or find a quick fix, which is understandable! Their first reaction is often withdrawal, internally and externally. They retreat in order to think about things — which stance to take and what the implications of either choice would be.
What Is She Going Through?
Emotionally, many girls experience similar thoughts and feelings: On the one hand, they experience a sense of joy, pride, and anticipation. At the same time, however, they are usually anxious about what the future may hold and whether they can handle all the responsibility that comes with having a baby. One fear usually looms larger than the rest: “Will I end up alone with the baby—without the dad to support me…?"
Amid the emotional chaos of an unplanned pregnancy, women usually long for warmth, reassurance, a strong shoulder, and room for dialogue. The pressure created by these needs can cause him to freeze, making him unable to provide what she needs during this crisis situation.
It is obvious: This is the perfect storm! Understanding what is going on in each other's mind is tricky. Moving towards one another despite differences takes effort. Your search for answers reveals how much you care.
5 Practical Tips on How to Deal with Her Unplanned Pregnancy:
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An unexpected pregnancy can be a shock. It is okay if your concerns initially quench your joy.
But she needs to know what is going on inside you. Otherwise, she will probably assume your silence has to do with your view of her.
Don’t be afraid to share your specific worries. In this situation, open and honest communication will serve you both well.
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A decision does not have to be made on the spot. Instead, it would be best if you gave each other time to gain clarity .
Take some time to be alone. You know best what you need: a hike, a long car ride, or downtime in your man cave. A change of setting will probably be helpful as you assess the situation.
Remember our #1 tip: Let her know that you need time to yourself. If she knows that, it will be easier for her to accept it.
Assure her that you are not distancing yourself emotionally while getting some physical distance. Let her know that you love her and are not having doubts about your relationship, but that you need a moment to catch your breath after the news.
Maybe you can stay in touch during this time without delving deeper into a discussion about the pregnancy just yet. For example, a short message might do wonders, such as, "I arrived safely. Thinking of you and love you!" -
You will probably find it helpful to talk to someone you trust – your best friend, your brother, your father ... Somebody who knows you well, with whom you can have a serious conversation, and who will take time for you; a person whose opinion you value and who has confidence in you.
Ask him what character traits he sees in you. What distinguishes you from others? Which attributes are going to help you become a great dad? You might be surprised by what others see in you!
- Perhaps even meeting up with a friend and having a good time without talking much will give you the break you need.
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Maybe this is a leap that takes courage, but you could imagine specific scenarios of what it would be like to be a dad. Stay open-minded about what thoughts might pop up without any pressure to act upon them. Thoughts are thoughts, but they might give you an initial sense of what fatherhood could look like.
What kind of father would you want to be? What strengths would you bring to this role? What would you teach your child that no one else could?
In what way would you want to be involved as a father – knowing that you wouldn't have to take care of everything by yourself? It would always be teamwork as a couple, and there are also other support options (grandparents, babysitters…).
Maybe this is a concern: You consider your role as a provider and think responsibly about how you would care for your family. Are you concerned about finances?What could ease your financial concerns? What are some possible solutions?
Check out our support pages: -
Knowing that her partner is there for her means the world to women in this situation. Show her how much you value her:
- How about doing something you know she would enjoy? — Perhaps taking her out for a meal, to her favorite hang-out, on a picnic, or a walk…
- Buy her some flowers.
- Or take out the trash for her.
- Accompany her on prenatal appointments. This will signal to her that you support her.
- Hold her in your arms. This would give her a sense of security and comfort.
You have both been entrusted with this incredible task. But perhaps this is not the first challenge you have mastered as a team. Or maybe this can become an opportunity to grow closer to one another.
If You Don’t Want the Baby
While reading this, you may feel an aversion to the whole situation. Your prevailing thought may be that you do not want the baby or the responsibility and simply want to find a way out. You may be trying to use everything in your power to persuade her to have an abortion. And perhaps you don’t even recognize yourself in all of this right now…
Why do we list all these details? Because this is a common way for guys to respond. We understand that this situation is challenging not only for her but also for you. You are not the only guy who is battling these thoughts and feelings. It is okay to feel that way initially. Nevertheless, you are responsibility for what you do about these considerations and emotions and which steps you take.
The girl who is carrying your baby is also struggling right now. In the end, she will be the one who physically bears the consequences, no matter what path she takes. Putting her under pressure because you do not want the baby is not very honorable. In any case, it is against the law.
Indeed, there are other ways to deal with the pressure you are feeling. What could provide some relief right now? What other solutions might be found? Who or what was helpful to you in the past when you felt under pressure?
Remember to give yourself time! Allow your initial desire to settle everything immediately to abate. This will allow you to address all thoughts that may surface rather than simply reacting in the moment.
If You Want the Baby, But She Does Not
It happens time and again that he is happy to become a father and is ready to take full responsibility — but she doesn't want to keep the baby. Perhaps this speaks to your current situation, and you are worried about what you can do.
Pressuring her is neither advisable nor effective, even if you are sensing the urgency and sadness of the situation. Here is another way to handle it:
- Find out why she is leaning towards abortion. Then, you can seek solutions together.
- Make sure she knows you see and care about her, not just the baby. She wants to know that she has value, apart from the baby.
- Take a clear stance. Let her know that you want the baby and that the thought of her having an abortion is painful for you.
- Express your confidence in her. She might be worried about not being a good mother or not having the strength to manage it. Show her that you believe in her and that she can handle the task.
- Clearly state that you will back her up 100% if she keeps the baby. It is curcial to many women to know that they will not have to do this alone.
Are Men Even Allowed to Have a Say?
Not only guys but also girls ponder this question. Isn’t pregnancy a women's issue? And yet, it always takes two to tango!
Ultimately, it is left up to the woman to decide. She is the one who is most directly affected by this decision, physically, emotionally, and mentally. That is why it is stipulated by law that the decision to terminate a pregnancy may only be made by the woman.
This is a common scenario: The man takes a neutral position, believing this to be the most considerate approach. But this makes the woman think she is left to shoulder the burden of decision-making alone. Therefore, the well-intentioned statement, “I'm behind you, no matter what you decide!" doesn't give her much support. This neutrality, arising from the fear of taking a stand, can make her feel even more insecure.
Putting tip #1 into practice will probably provide the most assistance right now: honesty and a willingness to communicate! Each of you stating clearly what is going on inside you—without pressuring the other person—can be very beneficial and bring you closer together. It's a win-win situation!
Understanding Her Point of View
Do you want to understand what a woman feels when she experiences an unintended pregnancy? Great!
One of the following articles may be an excellent place to start:
Resources for Her
Your partner may find some of our resources helpful:
Quiz:
⚖️ Wondering whether to have an abortion? — Abortion Test
Informational page:
Discerning a Way Forward: He Doesn't Want the Baby
Decision Coaching:
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